Subjunctive KoL: UnavailableItems

This is a list of items which are, for whatever reason, not available by adventuring or purchasing normally. Some items have been discontinued, some were special one-time-only items, and some are available only by dispensation of Jick. Some of these items can still be obtained if you're willing to pay enough Meat, though many of them are nontradable. This page does not include the UltraRareItems, which are obtainable by adventuring (just with a very low probability).

For more information, see Trog Dor's Museum of Rares, MaxDemian's Rares of Loathing, or Wormwood's Museum of Rares.

Donation items

• Mr. Accessory (accessory; +15 to all stats)
• These can be gotten only by donating at least $10 to the game to keep it running.
• Golden Mr. Accessory (accessory; +15 to all stats, and can give other players this effect 5x/day)
• These were originally created for Darguz Parsilvan after he donated a large amount of money to the game. (See this forum post for details.) Now, they can be obtained at Mr. Store for 5 Mr. Accessories.
• Mr. Eh? (accessory; +13 to all stats)
• The Mr. Eh? can be gotten only by donating $10 Canadian (postal mail only) to the game. It is slightly less useful than a Mr. Accessory, reflecting the slightly lower value of Canadian currency. (When it was first created, it was +12 to all stats, but it increased as the Canadian dollar went up.)
• Ms. Accessory (accessory; +15 to all stats)
• Mr. Accessory Jr. (accessory; +5 to all stats, +25% item drops)
• *Dark Jill-O-Lantern (familiar; equivalent to volleyball plus lime) [October 2004]
• *hand turkey outline (familiar; equivalent to goat plus leprechaun) [November 2004]
• *Crimbo elfling (familiar; equivalent to lime plus gravy fairy) [December 2004]
• *orphan baby yeti (familiar; equivalent to a starfish) [January 2005]
• *silk garter snake (familiar; equivalent to a potato plus cocoabo) [February 2005]
• *lucky Tam O'Shanter (familiar equipment; +10 pounds of leprechaun) [March 2005]
• *emo roe (familiar; equivalent to a potato plus a barrrnacle) [April 1, 2005]
• *personal raindrop (familiar; does various things at various times) [April 2005]
• *miniature gravy-covered maypole (familiar equipment; +10 pounds of gravy fairy)[May 2005]
• *deflated inflatable dodecapede (familiar; gets less powerful as it gains weight) [June 2005]
• *wax lips (familiar equipment; +10 pounds of volleyball) [July 2005]
• *pygmy bugbear shaman (familiar; functions as a volleyball plus gravy fairy but uses your MP to function) [August 2005]
• *Jekyllin hide belt (accessory; +3-9 all attributes, +15-45% item drops, depending on moons) [September 2005]
• *doppelshifter egg (familiar; functions as a different random familiar in every fight) [October 2005]
• *miniscule temporal rip (familiar; equivalent to a barrrnacle plus a weaker potato; occasionally gives extra Adventures) [November 2005]
• *sweet nutcracker (familiar; attacks like a pickle and occasionally buffs you) [December 2005]
• *tome of snowcone summoning (item; gives you a skill allowing you to summon 3 snowcones per day) [January 2006]
• *iceberglet (item; turns into four different pieces of equipment) [February 2006]
• The iceberglet turns into an ice baby, ice pick, ice sickle, or ice skates when used. After it assumes its new form, you can change it into one of the other three at the cost of an Adventure.
• *March hat (familiar; acts as one of a baby gravy fairy, ghuol whelp, leprechaun, or volleyball, and occasionally gives extra adventures at rollover) [March 2006]
• *McPhee's Grimoire of Hilarious Object Summoning (item; gives you a skill allowing you to summon 3 joke items per day) [April 2006]
• *homeless hobo spirit (familiar; acts as a volleyball, and, when given booze, acts like a starfish) [May 2006]
• *astral badger (familiar; attacks like a MechaMech and occasionally drops mushrooms) [June 2006]
• *jewel-eyed wizard hat (hat; +30 max MP, -1 MP to use skills, regenerates MP, +5 buff duration, allows casting of Magic Missile) [July 2006]
• *Comma Chameleon egg (familiar; consuming a piece of familiar equipment turns it into that familiar for 30 turns) [August 2006]
• *Travoltan trousers (pants; +15 moxie, +30% initiative, +10 ranged damage, 5% discount from NPC stores, Moxie used to determine maximum MP) [September 2006]
• *plastic pumpkin bucket (familiar equipment; +5 to familiar weight, +5 pounds of gravy fairy, familiar will occasionally play tricks on enemies) [October 2006]
• *pilgrim shield (off-hand item (shield); 1 damage reduction/level, +30 maximum HP, +15 melee damage, +3 stats per fight, regenerate 10-12 HP per adventure, +50% weapon drops from monsters) [November 2006]
• *yuletide troll chrysalis (familiar; equivalent to a volleyball plus a weaker ghuol whelp; also occasionally drops items that allow you to cast buffs) [December 2006]
• *Great Ball of Frozen Fire (item; turns into five different pieces of equipment) [January 2007]
• The Great Ball of Frozen Fire turns into an evil flaming eyeball pendant, a flaming familiar doppelgänger, flaming juggler's balls, a flaming pink shirt, or liar's pants when used. After it assumes its new form, you can change it into one of the other four at the cost of some of your hit points.
• *libram of candy heart summoning (item; gives you a skill allowing you to summon candy hearts) [February 2007]
• *dandy lion cub (familiar; equivalent to a fairy plus a ghuol whelp) [March 2007]
• *bad penguin egg (familiar; equivalent to a volleyball plus a barrrnacle, with extra violence) [April 2007]
• Mayflower bouquet (familiar equipment; +5 familiar weight, does various useful things in combat) [May 2007]
• *coffee sprite (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus gravy fairy)
• *Cheshire Bitten (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus volleyball)
• *calm attention-deficit demon (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus gravy fairy)
• *unwound cymbal-playing monkey (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus volleyball)
• jitterbug larva (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus gravy fairy)
• nervous tick egg (familiar; equivalent to leprechaun plus volleyball)
• custom avatar form (entitles its bearer to a custom avatar)
• These items can only be obtained by trading in Mr. Accessories at the Mr. Store. (Note that to keep the workload reasonable, custom avatar forms are available only during the first week of each month.) The starred items are especially unavailable, as they were the special items-of-the-month for months in the past. (The coffee sprite and Cheshire Bitten were retired on the first anniversary of Mr. Store, and replaced by the attention-deficit demon and the cymbal-playing monkey, which offered the same functionality. Those were in turn retired for the jitterbug and nervous tick on the second anniversary of Mr. Store.) The emo roe is especially especially unavailable, since it only appeared on April 1 as an April Fool's joke.

Radio items

• Radio Free Baseball Cap (hat; 150 power, requires 60 moxie, effect: Radio Head [+20 Mox])
• Radio Free Foil (weapon; 150 power, requires 60 muscle, effect: Shiny Happy Weapon [+20 Mus])
• Radio Free Pants (pants; 150 power, requires 60 moxie, effect: Free Bird [+20 Mys])
• radio button candy (food)
• These are various prizes awarded by KoL Radio. They are not available normally.

Special items from The Administration

• Bugfinder Blade (weapon; 180 power, requires 75 muscle, +7 to all stats)
• Bigger Bugfinder Blade (weapon; 200 power, requires 85 muscle, +9 to all stats)
• These are awarded for finding bugs (the Bigger Bugfinder Blade, as the name implies, is awarded for finding more bugs). You can often see BoozerBear toting his around, if you want to look at one.
• Item #13 (accessory)
• This is a joke item created by Jick (since he never uses the number 13 internally).
• one million meat pancakes
• This is a joke item created by Jick.
• big ol' trophy (accessory; stats unknown)
• This was created as a prize to be used in a contest held by Accordion Thief. The contest never actually finished, but the items still exist.
• exclusive ultra-rare item (accessory; +15 to all stats) [Phoenix]
• sparkly engagement ring (accessory; +15 to all stats) [Phoenix]
• MAHI fez (hat; 200 power, requires 85 moxie, +30 moxie) [BoozerBear]
• especially homoerotic frat-paddle (weapon; 150 power, requires 60 muscle) [Xenophobe]
• heteroerotic frat paddle (weapon; 150 power, requires 60 muscle) [Mr Skullhead]
• fetus-smashing club (weapon; 200 power, requires 85 muscle) [Bashy]
• bugbear-smiting sword (weapon; 150 power, requires 60 muscle, +10 muscle, +10 melee damage) [spazworrier]
• intergalactic pom poms (accessory; +20 moxie, +30% initiative) [skipperic]
• arse-shooting crossbow (ranged weapon; 160 power, requires 65 moxie, +15 all attributes) [Kucolan]
• fuzzy bracelets (accessory; +15 all attributes) [Mick]
• Xlyinia's notebook (accessory; +15 all attributes) [Xlyinia]
• Totally Gay Claymore (weapon; 169 power, requires 69 muscle) [Philanthropist]
• Stupid University Diploma (item) [Prima Vera Angelhair]
• Mjolnir Jr. (weapon; 200 power, requires 85 muscle) [Thor The Mighty]
• Scandalously Skimpy Bikini (accessory; requires 10 moxie, one only; allows you to keep 4 songs in your head) [sassylassy]
• Sombrero De Vida (hat; 50 power, requires 10 moxie; allows you to keep 4 songs in your head) [Vida Londres]
• conspicuous lack of pants (pants; appears in place of whatever pants are actually being worn) [EyeSpeculum]
• Toddler-sized Dragon Costume (familiar equipment; +5 familiar weight, +5% item) [Cynn]
• Radio KoL Coffee Mug (container; capacity 0) [KolMohDee]
• Radio Free Jersey (shirt; power 0) [Amplitude]
• second-hand knockoff engagement ring (accessory; +1 to all stats) [Mr Magnifico]
• wad of Crovacite (off-hand item) [Crovax1234]
• Cat-Herding Prod (accessory; +15 all attributes, +10 damage vs. lions) [Cassandra7]
• golden sausage (off-hand item) [Cobain Dougans]
• Panda outfit (familiar equipment; +5 familiar weight, +5% item) [Foggy]
• N. O. Beer (booze; cannot actually be drunk) [members of Noblesse Oblige]
• Otorian Battle Scar (booze; cannot actually be drunk) [members of Otori]
• Warehouse 23 bling (accessory; +23 maximum MP) [members of Warehouse 23 plus Arbitrage]
• These are special unique items created by Jick and/or Mr. Skullhead as presents to the people listed in brackets. The N. O. Beer was given by Noblesse Oblige to various deserving KoL members as part of the Week of Drunken Loving, and similarly Clan Otori awarded the Battle Scars as prizes and honors to various Loathers during Otori's Birthday Week.
• blank white card (item)
• These were given by Jick to Riff for introducing him to the game of 1000 Blank White Cards. Riff and Bete Noire both have some in their display cases; there may also be more I don't know about.
• Frank Gorshin trophy (item)
• These items are prizes for Riff's various puzzle contests. Here is the forum thread with his most recent contest.
• superhero mask (hat; 10 power, +5 all attributes, changes your avatar to a class-based superhero avatar)
• These were given as neat items to people who visited Asymmetric at ComicCon 2006.

Items from one-time special events

These items have come from special events which occurred only once, or for a fixed period of time. It is very unlikely that any of them will ever return to the Kingdom.

• Mafia Raffle Ticket #1
• Mafia bow tie (accessory; +20 Muscle and +20 Moxie)
• Acqua Del Piatto Merlot (booze)
• Mafia Raffle Ticket #2
• cement shoes (accessory; requires 35 mys; +20 Moxie and +20 Mysticality, effect: Sleeping with the Fishes)
• Acque Luride Grezze Cabernet (booze)
• Mafia Raffle Ticket #3
• Mafia stogie (accessory; +20 Muscle and +20 Mysticality)
• Uovo Marcio Shiraz (booze)
• Mafia Raffle Ticket #4
• Mafia violin case (weapon; 100 power, requires 35 mus; +20 Muscle and +30 melee damage)
• Maiali Sifilitici Pinot Noir (booze)
• Mafia Raffle Ticket #5
• old school Mafia knickerbockers (pants; 100 power, requires 35 mox; +25 Muscle, Mysticality, and Moxie)
• Spasmi Dolorosi Del Rene Champagne (booze)
• These were the prizes (and tickets) for the five Mafia raffles held. First prize in each raffle was one of the items and several wines, and second prize was one bottle of the wine. For the fifth raffle there was also apparently a Grand Prize (which was all of the Mafia items and a Crimbo suit) and some zeroth prizes (which were all of the Mafia items).
• severed rocking horse head (accessory; +3 all attributes)
• The Penguin Mafia left this with you if someone called in the Don's Special on you, during the time that mob hits were available.
• Ferita Del Petto Zinfandel (booze)
• This is a new Mafia wine which the Penguin Mafia sold in the mall for a while.
• broken cellular phone (item)
• iron pasta spoon (weapon; 110 power, requires 40 muscle)
• kneecapping stick (weapon; 90 power, requires 30 muscle, 3x chance of critical hit)
• Mafia Aria (item)
• Mob Penguin cellular phone (item)
• scroll of pasta summoning (item)
• support cummerbund (accessory)
• Yeti Protest Sign
• These are items that appeared during times of turmoil on the Icy Peak. First hippies protesting the Yeti slaughter came, bringing Yeti Protest Signs, and then the Penguin Mafia moved in. However, both appear to be gone now, so the items that they provided are no longer available.
• Grimacite goggles (hat)
• Grimacite glaive (weapon)
• Grimacite greaves (pants)
• Grimacite garter (accessory)
• Grimacite galoshes (accessory)
• Grimacite gorget (accessory)
• Grimacite guayabera (shirt)
• wedge of gray cheese (food)
• Grimacite Bock (drink)
• raffle prize box (gift package)
• After the Grimacite catastrophe, the Mafia opened up a new Raffle House on the Right Side of the Tracks. Every day, one first prize (one of the pieces of equipment) and three second prizes (one of the consumables) are raffled off. The prizes are apparently delivered in a raffle prize box.
• Crimbo Pressie (yields fruitcake, box, and wrapping paper)
• fruitcake (food)
• wrapping paper (can be used to make Crimbo hat, Crimbo sword, or Crimbo pants)
• Crimbo sword (weapon; 100 power, requires 35 muscle, +5 damage)
• Crimbo hat (hat; 100 power, requires 35 moxie, Spooky Resistance)
• Crimbo pants (pants; 100 power, requires 35 moxie, +30% initiative)
• Crimbo Pressies were given out by Jick Christmas 2003.
• Crimbo stocking (yields gingerbread bugbear, candy cane, eggnog, and small Crimbo pressie)
• extra-special Crimbo stocking (reportedly yields a Mr. Accessory and a Crimbo stocking)
• gingerbread bugbear (food)
• candy cane (food)
• small Crimbo pressie (yields bow and ONE of the following three items)
• imitation nice watch (accessory)
• tiny plastic sword (weapon; 10 power)
• Hanukkimbo dreidl (familiar)
• bow (can be smithed to make bowler, bow staff, or bowlegged pants)
• bowler (hat; 100 power, requires 35 moxie, +5 muscle)
• bow staff (weapon; 100 power, requires 35 muscle, +5 mysticality, +3 damage)
• bowlegged pants (pants; 100 power, requires 35 moxie, +5 moxie)
• Crimbo stockings were given out by Jick Christmas 2004. The extra-special Crimbo stockings were apparently given out by Secret Santa as a gift to upstanding members of the community.
• pirate hook (accessory; +3 melee damage)
• These were handed out on the day after Talk Like A Pirate Day 2005 (September 19). It appears to have been given to people who talked like a pirate in chat, although no one is certain of the exact requirements.
• felt (item)
• googly eye (item)
• length of string (item)
• stuffing (item)
• toy wheel (item)
• wooden block (item)
• yo-yo (combat item; does 32-38 damage)
• top (combat item; confuses opponent)
• ball (combat item; allows you to escape from combat)
• kite (combat item; prevents opponent from attacking)
• pet rock (familiar)
• stuffed doppelshifter (combat item; turns into a different combat item)
• teddy bear (familiar)
• duck-on-a-string (weapon; 100 power, requires 35 muscle, +5 melee damage, +5% item drops from monsters)
• toy soldier (combat item; 32-35 damage but uses a bottle of tequila; does nothing if you don't have a bottle of tequila; reusable)
• doll house (usable item; yields 3-4 random tiny plastic figurines, including the Crimbo ones)
• toy train (accessory, one only; +10% meat from monsters)
• marionette (off-hand item; requires 40 mysticality, +3 mysticality)
• sock monkey (off-hand item; requires 40 mysticality, +3 moxie)
• rag doll (off-hand item; requires 40 mysticality, +3 muscle)
• sleeping snowy owl (familiar)
• These are items which could be obtained from Crimbo Town, which appeared in Crimbo 2005. See CrimboTown for details.
• Junior LAAAAME merit badge (accessory)
• Senior LAAAAME merit badge (accessory)
• astronaut ice-cream (item)
• These items were obtainable in the short period of time that the LAAAAME Observatory was open, before it was destroyed by a comet.
• orange traffic cone (hat)
• yellow traffic cone (hat)
• red traffic cone (hat)
• green traffic cone (hat)
• blue traffic cone (hat)
• blue ribbon (accessory)
• orange glowstick (accessory)
• green glowstick (accessory)
• pink glowstick (accessory)
• These items are available on StSneakyPete Day. However, each was only available on a single day, so they can not be obtained again.

Items from recurring special events

These items are less unavailable than the ones listed above, as the events that you can obtain them on recur regularly in the KoL calendar.

• candied kobold (item)
• Cold Hots candy (item)
• dwarf bread (food)
• fruitcake (food)
• Mr. Mediocrebar (item)
• pixellated candy heart (item)
• Rock Pops (item)
• Senior Mints (item)
• Wint-O-Fresh mint (item)
• Yummy Tummy Bean (item)
• These are items which are given out for Trick-or-Treat on Halloween. See HalloweenSpoilers for a full list of effects.
• Valentine (item)
• On Valentine's Day, you could buy these in the Demon Market for 500 Meat, and then use them when sending messages to send a Valentine to someone.
• cheap plastic bottle opener (weapon)
• portable corkscrew (weapon)
• flashing novelty button (accessory)
• green beer (booze; 1-3 adventures, 1 drunkenness)
• string of blue beads (accessory)
• string of green beads (accessory)
• string of red beads (accessory)
• These are items which are obtainable on any St. Sneaky Pete's Day. See StSneakyPete for full details.
• oyster basket (accessory)
• oyster egg (32 different types)
• These are items obtainable on Oyster Egg Day (April 2 on the KoL calendar). (Note also that the basket can be untinkered into a tisket and a tasket.) See EasterSpoilers for full details.

Discontinued, hacked, or leaked items

• off-hand balloon (off-hand item; +1 all stats)
• These were created for the testing of off-hand items, but only a few testers have ever had one.
• Ent cider (food; 2-5 A, 31-43 Mo, 2 F)
• These used to drop at the Shore, but were discontinued to make room for the magical ice cubes.
• sober pill (item; makes your drunkenness 0)
• These used to be obtainable from 31337 scrolls, but were discontinued due to the potential (realized by many people) for abuse. On 8/14/04, all of them remaining were removed from the game, so they now no longer exist at all.
• gasmask (hat; power 50, requires 10 moxie, Stench Resistance)
• This used to be available in the Daily Dungeon but was removed for reasons unknown.
• tortoise's blessing (item)
• The tortoise's blessing used to be obtained by using a scroll of turtle summoning; it could then be used to build a Turtleslinger. When Jick changed the starting items, he eliminated the blessing so that one could build a Turtleslinger directly from the scroll of turtle summoning, eliminating the need for the blessing. (The scroll of turtle summoning was later changed into the turtle totem.)
• hemp backpack (container, capacity 300)
• Mr. Container (container, capacity 1000)
• Newbiesport backpack (container, capacity 100)
• These are containers. Containers were originally conceived of as a way to carry more items, but were never implemented. (In fact, until very recently, attempting to equip one of these would cause it to disappear.)
• serrated proboscis extension (familiar equipment; +20 Mosquito level)
• This is a test item created when familiar equipment was being implemented. A few hacked ones exist, but they're not generally available.
• steaming evil (weapon; 180 power, requires 75 muscle, +3 fire damage, +3 stench damage, +3 spooky damage)
• These appeared in BoozerBear's shop inexplicably one day. Apparently he hacked them into existence a long time ago but were only recently endowed with abilities by Jick.
• beet (item)
• The beets are shrouded in mystery. Allegedly they were, for a short time, available as an ultra-rare with a similar mechanism to the hockey mask. However, Jick confirmed in a radio show that they have been completely removed, so they cannot be obtained at all at the moment.
• birthday candle
• Children's Meal of the Damned (food)
• Gnollish nunchaku (weapon; power 45, requires 7 muscle)
• Mr. Shirt (shirt; +1 all attributes)
• voodoo doll (accessory; +1 mysticality)
• These are all allegedly items from KoL's past. Some of them were discontinued for unknown reasons, while some were never implemented (so could be obtained only from exploits). Note that the beanbag chair and meaty helmet turtle were since made functional and now can be made normally.

Reinstated items

• dungeoneer's dungarees (pants; power 30)
• demonskin trousers (pants; power 50, requires 10 moxie)
• Like the gasmask, these used to drop in the Daily Dungeon but were removed for unknown reasons. The dungarees re-appared on the opening of the Limerick Dungeon; the trousers became smithable when demon skins were introduced in April 2007.
• pail (hat; power 30)
• This is also an item which used to drop normally but was discontinued. Sources vary on where it dropped; some say also the Daily Dungeon, while according to BoozerBear, it was somewhere in the woods. Before Ascension, the PretentiousArtist quest was changed so that you now acquire a pail from it.
• stone of eXtreme power (item; meatsmithing ingredient)
• These used to drop at the Shore, in the Distant Lands Dude Ranch adventure. When the cocktailcrafting system was revamped, they were removed to make room for coconut shells. However, when Itznotyerzitz Mine was changed, they were added in again as something you could find in the mine.
• beanbag chair
• meaty helmet turtle
• can of Red Minotaur (beverage)
• These were items from KoL's past which were never formally implemented and were only available through exploits. They were each later made functional and can now be made or found normally.
• single-minty gum
• double-minty gum
• triple-minty gum
• quadruple-minty gum
• These are also items from KoL's distant past; I don't know whether they were ever available normally, or whether all of them were hacked into existence. Upon the opening of South of the Border, all currently-existing ones were turned into jabañero-flavored chewing gum, lime-and-chile flavored chewing gum, pickle-flavored chewing gum, and tamarind chewing gum, which can be obtained normally from South of the Border.
• jewelry-making pliers
• ring setting
• pine tar
• poutine (food)
• forest tears
• shaving cream
• These are all post-Ascension items which leaked into the Kingdom before ascension. They are now available normally to Ascended characters.
• 'Villa' document
• Mr. Exploiter
• These items used to be available at Uncle P's Antiques, before it was destroyed by the Yeti herd. With the great time catastrophe, Uncle P's Antiques reappeared and these items could be bought again.
• consolation ribbon (accessory; +1 to all stats)
• Like the big ol' trophy, this was created as a prize in Accordion Thief's contest long, long ago. Apparently you can now get one by losing to an ultra-rare monster.